A. Names of dogs have a range almost as wide as that of the violin. They run from such plain and simple names as Spot, Sport, Rex, Brownie and Rover -– all originated by small boys -– to such effete and fancy appellations as Prince Rudolph Hertenberg Gratzheim of Darndorf-Putzelhorst -– names originated by adults, all of whom, in every other way, I am told, have made a normal adjustment to life. The Coy people call their pets Bubbles and Boggles and Sparkles and Twinkles and Doodles and Lovums and Sweetums and Betsy-Bye-Bye and Sugarkins. I pass these dog owners at a dog-trot, wearing a horrible fixed grin.

B. I am leery of chemicals and squeamish about factory farming. Yet I have the sense that the advent of friendly farming will get out of hand. We are entering an era when the very best people will only eat food that's been well-bred, hand-raised, indeed, scratched behind the ears. It does not take much of an imagination to see where this is leading. "This flank steak comes from Bessie, who was hand-raised by the Johnsons after a difficult labor..." Listen, just pass me two more eggs. Crack them. Cook them. Eat them. Just don't tell their mama.

C. The place to start your tour of the United States Capitol is in the Rotunda, the area directly under the giant dome, which is nearly 150-years-old and weighs nine million pounds, and therefore could collapse at any moment. So you should sprint across this area while glancing upwards at the giant fresco painted in 1865 by an important Italian artist whose name we need to look up before we send this manuscript to the publisher.

D. The enormity of alluding to a male baby as "she" is equaled only by the atrocity of referring to a female infant as "he." Whichever sex the particular child in question happens not to belong to is considered as beneath contempt, and any mention of it is taken as a personal insult to the family. Do not attempt to get out of the difficult by talking of "it." There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and shame. By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood and afterward depositing their bodies in the reservoir, you will gain much unpopularity, and robbing a church will get you cordially disliked. But if you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human creature can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call her dear baby "it."

E. Fishing is one of my favorite sports, and one of these days I expect to catch a fish. I have been at it 14 years now and have caught everything else, including hell from the wife, a cold in the head, and up on my drinking. Next comes the fish. Immediately after that I’ll take up something else.

1. Which of these is best?
a. (dog names)
b. (food)
c. (Capitol tour)
d. (baby names)
e. (fishing)

2. Which of these was written by a woman?
a. (dog names)
b. (food)
c. (Capitol tour)
d. (baby names)
e. (fishing)

3. Which of these was written the longest time ago?
(Hint: We are talking 1889)
a. (dog names)
b. (food)
c. (Capitol tour)
d. (baby names)
e. (fishing)

Don't keep reading if you haven't already answered the previous questions. This sentence is simply holding space while you slow down your reading in time for the previous sentence to register. Okay, good. The five authors are, in alphabetical order only, Dave Barry, Robert Benchley, Ellen Goodman, Jerome K. Jerome and James Thurber.

4. Which one of the following pairings is correct?
a. (dog names) is Thurber
b. (food) is Barry
c. (Capitol) is Goodman
d. (baby names) is Benchley
e. (fishing) is Jerome

5. Which one of the following pairings is correct?
a. (dog names) is Jerome
b. (food) is Benchley
c. (Capitol) is Barry
d. (baby names) is Goodman
e. (fishing) is Thurber